Review of an Oxymoronic “Perfect Grump”  by Nicole Snow

Staring at a blank page for half an hour hasn’t helped in finding the right words to review “Perfect Grump” by Nicole Snow so I’m just  gonna’ plow through and get ‘er done. Nick Brandt is a billionaire with a playboy reputation and a grumpy mentality to match. Reese is his 5’ tall female driver but Nick is so egotistical and overbearing that he doesn’t realize she’s not a guy. Mainly because he talks “at” her instead of “to” her so she rarely has an opportunity to respond, even if she wanted to. But Reese isn’t unhappy, she’s being well paid to haul his big mouth around town. When Nick finally realizes his blunder he tries showering Reese with gifts to make up for his many gaffes. Although she’s not impervious to his attention she’s not duly impressed either.

Oxymoronic Fits

Reese has her own problems to deal with, namely her four year old niece whose mother is in jail on drug charges. The charge is believable because her sister is a former user but she’s been clean  since before Millie was born. Only she refuses to talk, accepting that her sister Reese will keep Millie from being taken into custody by DFS. Nick takes a shine to the little girl and sets up a regular playroom at their offices and hires a nanny. Poof! No more child care problems. Reese eventually softens to Nick’s honest attempts to help. He goes so far as to hire a lawyer for the sister who won’t talk to save herself. But the situation gets really complicated when organized crime muddies the waters.

Author Snow’s plot premise is solid but the writing gave me a bad case of heartburn and indigestion. I simply couldn’t get past the lame dialogue and generally sloppy writing. Nick frequently calls Reese “woman” as if he maybe thinks he’s Tarzan.a And Reese continually refers to Nick’s green eyes; emerald-green eyes, hell-green eyes, green eyes twinkling with promise, those green eyes watching me, feral-green eyes, molten green eyes, gilded green eyes, fierce green eyes, green eyes turning wolfish, and burning green eyes. Does Snow think her readers are so stupid that something as elementary as the color of the protagonist’s eyes need that much reinforcement or is it some kind of silly game to see how many different expressions she can come up with for “green eyes”? Then there are a handful of terms that had me scratching my head trying to figure out their meaning: worn moan, frigging my clit, immaculate prince, unruly mouth, vicious kiss, and samurai shark (there is a kitchen knife by that name but no ocean creature with fins).

Honestly, my attention was diverted so often with this nonsensical garbage that I couldn’t concentrate on the story. Two stars.

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